Hot Like Ebola!!!: Fact 7: Society has worked its wiles on me

As I was reading this post and this post, I got to thinking about my own feminism and femininity.

When I was a little kid, I was a pleasing (I think) mix of girlishness and boyishness. I wore dresses, especially the red and white polka dotted one. I dug up worms and made milk carton homes for them. I acted in commercials and had head shots taken, and I would happily hang out with any gender of kid, as long as they liked the monkey bars and eating honeysuckle. I also raced bikes with my friends and pretended that mine was Silver and that I was the Lone Ranger.

From about 4th grade to about 9th, I became very gender-neutral, in part because weight gain and school bullies made me want to avoid attention. I cut my hair short and wore size 3XL shirts. I did have one shirt that was a size medium (from The Pantry, for those in the know), but I almost never wore it because I loathed the attention it brought. I got my period early (5th grade) and I hated the fact that I now stood out from the others because of it. In my mind, I associated "femininity" with unwanted interest.

In high school, as I gained more confidence, I began to become more girlish. Not with makeup; I didn't even know how to apply mascara until college. But my school uniform was a skirt and polo, and at the barn I wore breeches. I realized that I liked my legs, my nose, and sometimes even my hair. And that, my friends, is where it all went downhill.

I wore my shirts a size tighter. Then, a size tighter. My tank tops became lower, and my bras became more illuminating. My jeans, too, became lower (but I partly blame the fact that there are few choices when you need a 37" inseam). By my freshman year of college, I was a full-blown hootchie. I also learned to apply mascara, and tame my hair a little. I was set to allure men, or at least their nether regions.

Eventually, and with a little help from my friends, I tamed myself. Now I own (mostly) acceptable and modest clothing, though I do still wear makeup about once a week. But it is hard for me to look past what society says I need to look like. When I think about moving to Scotland, I worry about how others will look at my wardrobe. I get down on myself about my weight, not only because of my health but because I feel self-conscious when my fat sticks over the edge of my pants.

Though I fight it, society has done its job with me. I now spend a part of each week (if not each day) thinking about clothes or hair or looks. I check out what other people are wearing, and sometimes judge them. It's sick, but true. And the worst part is that I KNOW it's wrong and I still do it.

Funny how I don't think about my love of cooking as a gender-influenced hobby. Probably because my mom didn't cook for us, but she did portray herself as a sex object to every man she dated and many she didn't. She, in fact, actually expressed surprise when I told her Matt and I weren't having sex until we got married, and doubt as to whether he would want to stay with me that long without "getting any." But that, my friends, is a different facto for a different day.

:: submitted by Jenevieve, 5:36 AM
id="comments">4 Comments:

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Matt, at 7:12 AM

My responses to this post could probably end up even longer than the post itself, but I'll save all that perhaps for another day. I love you now more than ever, even if you don't let your boobs hang out of your shirt anymore. (In fact, I may love you now more than ever because of that. And as your husband, I now have other ways to get my fix...)

Matt, at 7:13 AM

I remember hootchie Jeni! I loved her (though that had nothing to do with the hootchieness and everything to do with the insides), and have a picture of her in my room. I've always said you are beautiful and it sure is still true. Matt, on the other hand, is a little sketchy ;)

Miranda, at 4:37 AM

aah. i find myself thinking about that a lot this week, as there is a lot of BODY hanging out in plain view. is it ok for me to change my own standard of modesty because it is socially acceptable here and because i won't be making anyone i KNOW stumble? yeah, i know, i know. probably not.

and i hate that my mind has been manipulated by society. we're in need of a transformation of mind.

miss you.

Mariquita, at 4:39 AM

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